Monday, January 31, 2011

The Problem With Dogs

The problem with dogs is that even when you know it is time for them to go, it is still so fucking sad.  My dad and stepmother had to put their dog to sleep today.  He was such an asshole, but I loved that dog.  He stole my heart when I met him as a puppy, a little white snowball of a thing, sitting in his crate.  He may have looked like a ball of fluff but inside lurked a little devil.  He was the most devious of canines, and yet was so charming that even when he bit me for taking the foil from a chocolate kiss away from him, I blamed myself for attempting to take that treasure from him. 
I will always remember his yeti-sized personality and the exuberance with which he embraced life.  He had so many health problems, but you always had the impression that he was just so damn happy to be around, seeing what crumbs he could scarf up under Max's chair, barking and scratching at the dishwasher and attacking the soap, flopping over in the middle of the living room to entice us to all give him belly rubs.  He always had the look of a puppy to him, even though he might have been more like a wolf pup. 
He caused trouble out of just plain cussedness.  He failed obedience school two times, performing perfectly until the long down, when he'd sit for most of the allotted time before jumping up and encouraging mutiny in all of the other dogs.  He finally passed, and received a trophy--"most improved." 
My dad and stepmother used to have to push the furniture all around in order to trap him to get him to go into "his" room in the evenings, as he'd get riled up and race in circles around the down stairs. 
And when it was time for me to go, he would wrap himself around my legs, clinging to me and forcing me to give him one last pat. 
Oh, Sterling, my fuzzy funny boy, I love you.  And I will miss you as if you were my own dog.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What is wrong with me?

So I'm having issues with finding out that as soon as I get my period we can start trying again.  I guess partly because if I don't get pregnant on my own in three cycles I will be starting some sort of fertility treatments, and also because I had it all planned in my head that I'd be using the next three months to get as close to goal as possible, and now I'm really more focused on getting pregnant.  I know it's not going to do any good to get totally stressed about getting pregnant.  And I can continue to lose weight and start an exercise routine while I'm trying to get pregnant.

I'm just so out of sorts these days.  I want things to be better and I just don't feel very happy.  I'm not feeling particularly mindful.  Maybe after class tomorrow I'll feel better.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cold Case

I think Cold Case is the saddest show on television, evar.  I cry every time I watch it.  That's just pathetic.  And I don't know why I watch it.

Zombie Pets Zombie Pets Zombie Pets....I am hooked on this dumb game!

I guess I'll wait to get an iPhone, if they are really coming out with another one this summer. 

I made pumpkin custard to eat on my down days.  I can have one of them for 182 calories.  And they are pretty big. 

I don't think I have anything else to say.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I know that I'm not a tv star or anything, but it's reassuring to me that Pauley Perrette is going to be 42 this year and still can dress like Abby, even if it's just on tv.  She doesn't look like she's over 40 and neither do I.

I will feel okay with wearing all of my cool clothes and shoes again once I fit into them!  I'm getting there.  I think I have about 12 pounds to go until I can fit into some of them, and I have 40 pounds to go until I am at goal.

Today was an okay day.  I spent too much money but even that is okay.  And I'm going to catch up on my water.  Tomorrow it might be tricky to get in all the stuff I want to, but I'll figure it out.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

So I was down 1.5 pounds today, so that makes me happy.  I have all day tomorrow and we'll see what I can get to after two weeks.  Since I didn't start until Monday the 3rd.

I have something of a headache at the moment and I'm not sure why.  I need to put my quiche in the fridge and make a cup of tea.  I didn't make it out of the house today and I need sugar free vanilla syrup.

I did well with eating in my window and I don't think I ate too much.  I really want to lose 17.5 pounds this month.  That means I have ten more to go.  I think I can do it.  I'm only three pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Okay, time for tea.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Working on getting my post count up for January...

And another thing...I do not think I like this "pelvic rest" for a month.  It hasn't even been two weeks and I am wishing we could have sex. 

And why are my boobs sore? 
Seeing a loss on the scale is more important than eating something now, when I am not hungry.  Repeat ad nauseum. 

I don't want to stop writing in here just because.  I feel like I'm letting myself down.  This week has been rough and I'm not happy.  Some good things have happened but they are pretty trivial so it's hard to feel really great about them. 

And I have lost 2.5 pounds so far, putting me back to where I was last Saturday. 

I just want things to get better.  I want to MAKE things get better.  How do I do that?  I'm just so unmotivated.  Where is my passion?  Where is my desire?  I want things, but I don't strive for them.  So they don't happen.  What happened to me?  I used to make things happen.

And I will again.  I'm tired of myself.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I really wish SKD wouldn't lock up the tools.  I want to put my new calendar up and I can't get to the hammer.  I guess when he gets home I will ask him to get it for me.

My friend came over and flipped the mattress for me, so I put on a new mattress pad and changed the sheets.  It's nice to have that done.  So the bedroom is looking more reasonable.  I still don't think it looks like a grown up's bedroom, but it's getting there.

I am excited about the upcoming trip to Costco and Trader Joe's. 

My asparagus quiche is in the oven.  I have medicated myself on schedule.  I am on track with my water.  And I lost two pounds yesterday. 

Maybe tonight I will watch Sherlock Holmes.  I'm not sure, though.  I would like to knit but I don't know if I will.  I also want to read, and I also want to work on my Sketchbook Project, sort of.

I hope SKD doesn't want to take a nap tonight.  That just doesn't make me happy.

I don't have anything else to say.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I feel quite unwell at the moment.  I do not know why yogurt and raw sugar would have upset my stomach like this. 

I am touched by how nice people are.  The son of one of my mom's friends is coming over tomorrow to flip my mattress for me.  Yay!  I can haz clean sheets!

Max is sitting next to me in bed right now.  I'm very tired.  My mom went home to take a nap.  I don't know why I don't get a nap.  I have done way too much today, even though I haven't really done much of anything.

I have a lot of writing and knitting that I want to do but I'm not entirely motivated.

Tomorrow my dad is taking Max and me to school.  Of course, I'll be going home after I drop Max off, but it's nice that Daddy is driving us.

Max wants to watch Thomas so maybe I will get a nap.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011 should have started out better.

I wasn't expecting to spend the first night of the new year in the emergency room, but I did.  And on the morning of the 2nd, I was in surgery, having whatever was left of my baby removed from me.  I don't think there was anything there.  And I guess my first miscarriage was an ectopic pregnancy as well.

Some good things came out of this hospital stay.  I met my new doctor,  and she is great.  She verified that my ovaries have plenty of eggs and my remaining tube is in great shape, and I should have no trouble conceiving another baby.

I am sad, though.  And in some pain.  My mom's friend/my employer sent me flowers.  I have a ton of books from the library.  Max is sitting next to me in bed, eating strawberries.  I am drinking water.

I am ten pounds heavier than I was when I found out I was pregnant.  I want to lose 47 pounds before I get pregnant again.

I am unimpressed with Barnes and Noble's customer service. 

That is my year so far.  I had to change my goals after I lost the baby, but I'm trying to be okay with things.  My mom is cleaning up my house for me, while I putter around and do a few things here and there.

I am all bloated and a little bit sore, although not too sore.  I don't know that I have much else to say at the moment.