Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I hate waiting

So, I started Power 90 on Sunday instead of Saturday.  I have done it three days in a row now.  It will be more challenging once my mom is back in town.  But I'm setting my alarm for 6:30 so I can meditate and work out before Dave and Max get up.  What a grown up thing to do.

I am not a grown up.

And I am either getting my period or had implantation bleeding.  It's a bit early for my period.  Day 24.  I am going through major carb cravings and am bitchy as hell, though, so it could be pms.  I don't know.  I sure don't want to get my period, though.

Max finally got all the poop out, I think.  What a fiasco this is!  I hate his constipation and anal retention.  It's so frustrating.

I am not going to bother weighing myself in the morning because I ate so much today.  I'm back in the 170s.  Why am I doing this to myself?  It's so irrational.

Oh well.  At least I'm doing some good things.  And I'm supposed to be practicing non-judging.  That's not easy.  Oh, I think I see, yes, I do!  A pink satin bra on the floor.  There are all kinds of clothes all over the place, everywhere in my house.  I'll work on that.  This bra I just found is one I haven't seen in awhile.

Okay, that's a good post.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Such a slacker!

Wow, I haven't posted in a long time!

I'm starting Power90 tomorrow, to celebrate eight months until my birthday.  Today I went to the Fresh Market.  I finally got my eggplant so I'll be attempting ratatouille quiche tonight.

I have something of a sore throat and I'm not sure why.  And my stupid fertility won't register higher than high, and I need it to be peak!  And at this point I just feel like I'm going to get my period so go figure.  I had a major carb/binge fest yesterday.  And I didn't gain any weight, so there!

Anyway, I'm not sure what else to say.  I'm not being as productive as I should be but I will get there.  I'm hungry right now.  I'm trying to start drinking more water again.  And I'm going to get some writing done today as well.  I'm tired of not being happy with myself.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Why am I getting a headache?  Why is my throat still sore? 
I don't want to walk Pierre because it's yucky out but since it's not raining I think I have to.  Maybe later.  Like when my mom is playing with Max.
I haven't meditated yet either.  And I haven't done my T Tapp.

But I will do all these things.  I did make a playlist for the vampire book.  So now I can have more appropriate music to write to. 

I don't really feel like doing much of anything.  I guess I will take a Tylenol 4 but that might upset my stomach.  Which is not a good thing.

Well, I am something like 20,000 words behind already for the month so I need to get my ass in gear!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

So, I have walked Pierre and done my meditation today.  I'm working on drinking my water but I'm a bit behind I think.  I don't think I'll make it to Mass because it's raining so hard and I don't feel like going out in the mess.  And I have something of a sore throat.

I have yet to T Tapp but I will.  Even though I have a sore throat.  And I didn't fast.  I had a grilled cheese sandwich around 3.  But that's okay.  I'm not worrying about that.

I have written a little bit but will write more.  I will not be catching up today but maybe I'll make some progress.

And I got the house stuff together for SKD.

Max is wearing his pull ups.  I think they stink.  And I don't know what happened to his painting that he did yesterday.  I hope it turns up.

I am still kind of hungry but I don't know yet if I want to eat anything else. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Lent

So, I am going to walk Pierre, do my T Tapp 6 times a week (after a two week boot camp), and do a daily meditation every day for Lent.  I am not giving up internet, television, or coffee.

I will go to Mass tomorrow evening.  I do not think I will fast.  I am hungry just thinking about it.

I wish I didn't have to worry about money.  I am so not happy with the money situation.  I want it to go away but I don't know how to do that.
Wow, what is going on with me?  I'm well nigh insatiable these days and there is no particular reason for it.  I wish I had a reason for trying every day.  I don't even want to write because it's just going to turn into porn and that's not what I'm working on.

I lost 3.5 pounds yesterday.  I'm drinking my third liter of water for the day right now.  I also have a headache, which I took a Tylenol 4 for.  I wonder if it's from doing my seated meditation for 15 minutes.  I kind of think so but I think it's a good thing to be building up strength, if that's what I need. 

I washed Sissy's rug in the washing machine.  I don't know if it looks any better.  And it still needs to be vacuumed.  It's hanging outside over the porch railing.  I'm glad I did it, and I've done two other loads of laundry today.  And I'm making yogurt.  Speaking of which, I need to put it in the yogurt maker!  I think it's cooled down too much now!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Well, I have missed days again.  I guess I've been busy.  We went to Atlanta and the opera.

I sure do want to have sex.  I guess it's a good thing that I'm pretty sure we're going to.  I wonder if this means I'm ovulating.

I'm going to change the sheets in a little bit.  And I guess I'll be going through another box of stuff as well.  And I need to find my ipod so I can play this playlist I keep playing.  To write to.

I am planning another epilation session for this evening as well.  I wonder how long I'll be able to keep this up.  I wonder if it will even work.  I sure would like to stay hairless for awhile. 

I have been going in the wrong direction with regard to my weight loss and that's disappointing but I've done well today and I will keep that up.  I'm a little behind on my water for the day but it's not hopeless.

My mom brought over the meditation cushion so that is good. 

I am missing a pillowcase.  I'm sure it will turn up but it's annoying.  They are my favorite sheets.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

So my sister passed her driving test!  First time.  So that's good.

I have kind of a raging headache for some reason.  I took a shower because Max peed on me.  He is constipated and refuses to try to poop so I had him sitting on his potty and he peed on me.  He got really upset about it but it wasn't a huge deal to me.  And on the changing table he threw up because he was so upset.  I feel so bad for him.  I hate that he has this problem.  It's so hard.  It makes me cry.

I am not packed for our trip tomorrow but I'll get there.  I won't have a lot of time tomorrow but I'll get it  done.  Of course I will.  What choice do I have?

I am behind in my writing.  I'm going to catch up eventually. 

I'm really hoping we'll have sex tonight.  Don't know what's up with me these days.

SKD and I were making toe jokes via text because of his toe doctor appointment toemorrow.  It's not at toe o'clock, but 8:30.  And he's driving the toe-yo-ta, not a toe truck.  Toekay?  I think that's about all we got in.  I know it's dumb but I was amused.

Okay, time to see about getting my bangs fixed right so they're not all crazy tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Getting back on track

Well, I was so busy watching Chuggington with Max that I forgot about America's Next Top Model.  I'm pissed.  Oh well, I will watch it later.  I recorded part of it but I want to see the beginning.

I have been wasting time and doing some "landscaping."  I wish I could afford to get waxed.  I've got my epilator charging and I'll probably do a pass tomorrow to start maintaining.  It's nice that I can actually see some of what's going on down there now that I'm twenty pounds lighter.

I am back to where I was on Valentine's Day.  I hope I start making progress again.  I've got to exercise in a minute.  And I haven't done any cleaning or decluttering.  Well, I guess I washed diapers today and that counts for something.

I also have to catch up on my writing from yesterday and do today as well.  I have a lot of energy at the moment, though.

Starting again

I can't believe I didn't post at all in February.  Oh well.  I'm going to post two times today so I can start having a daily entry.

I am back on my diet, and my vitamins, and my water drinking.  And I'm writing, working out, and decluttering.  I'm doing it all.

I'm feeling good these days.  I think the trip to the beach was great.  And I found a sand dollar there!
We also saw dolphins and alligators.  I love the beach.  I am going to live there one day soon.  Maybe not full time, but I want a house there.  I love Kiawah.

Okay, I have to get this water drunk so I can go to class.

Monday, January 31, 2011

The Problem With Dogs

The problem with dogs is that even when you know it is time for them to go, it is still so fucking sad.  My dad and stepmother had to put their dog to sleep today.  He was such an asshole, but I loved that dog.  He stole my heart when I met him as a puppy, a little white snowball of a thing, sitting in his crate.  He may have looked like a ball of fluff but inside lurked a little devil.  He was the most devious of canines, and yet was so charming that even when he bit me for taking the foil from a chocolate kiss away from him, I blamed myself for attempting to take that treasure from him. 
I will always remember his yeti-sized personality and the exuberance with which he embraced life.  He had so many health problems, but you always had the impression that he was just so damn happy to be around, seeing what crumbs he could scarf up under Max's chair, barking and scratching at the dishwasher and attacking the soap, flopping over in the middle of the living room to entice us to all give him belly rubs.  He always had the look of a puppy to him, even though he might have been more like a wolf pup. 
He caused trouble out of just plain cussedness.  He failed obedience school two times, performing perfectly until the long down, when he'd sit for most of the allotted time before jumping up and encouraging mutiny in all of the other dogs.  He finally passed, and received a trophy--"most improved." 
My dad and stepmother used to have to push the furniture all around in order to trap him to get him to go into "his" room in the evenings, as he'd get riled up and race in circles around the down stairs. 
And when it was time for me to go, he would wrap himself around my legs, clinging to me and forcing me to give him one last pat. 
Oh, Sterling, my fuzzy funny boy, I love you.  And I will miss you as if you were my own dog.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

What is wrong with me?

So I'm having issues with finding out that as soon as I get my period we can start trying again.  I guess partly because if I don't get pregnant on my own in three cycles I will be starting some sort of fertility treatments, and also because I had it all planned in my head that I'd be using the next three months to get as close to goal as possible, and now I'm really more focused on getting pregnant.  I know it's not going to do any good to get totally stressed about getting pregnant.  And I can continue to lose weight and start an exercise routine while I'm trying to get pregnant.

I'm just so out of sorts these days.  I want things to be better and I just don't feel very happy.  I'm not feeling particularly mindful.  Maybe after class tomorrow I'll feel better.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Cold Case

I think Cold Case is the saddest show on television, evar.  I cry every time I watch it.  That's just pathetic.  And I don't know why I watch it.

Zombie Pets Zombie Pets Zombie Pets....I am hooked on this dumb game!

I guess I'll wait to get an iPhone, if they are really coming out with another one this summer. 

I made pumpkin custard to eat on my down days.  I can have one of them for 182 calories.  And they are pretty big. 

I don't think I have anything else to say.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I know that I'm not a tv star or anything, but it's reassuring to me that Pauley Perrette is going to be 42 this year and still can dress like Abby, even if it's just on tv.  She doesn't look like she's over 40 and neither do I.

I will feel okay with wearing all of my cool clothes and shoes again once I fit into them!  I'm getting there.  I think I have about 12 pounds to go until I can fit into some of them, and I have 40 pounds to go until I am at goal.

Today was an okay day.  I spent too much money but even that is okay.  And I'm going to catch up on my water.  Tomorrow it might be tricky to get in all the stuff I want to, but I'll figure it out.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

So I was down 1.5 pounds today, so that makes me happy.  I have all day tomorrow and we'll see what I can get to after two weeks.  Since I didn't start until Monday the 3rd.

I have something of a headache at the moment and I'm not sure why.  I need to put my quiche in the fridge and make a cup of tea.  I didn't make it out of the house today and I need sugar free vanilla syrup.

I did well with eating in my window and I don't think I ate too much.  I really want to lose 17.5 pounds this month.  That means I have ten more to go.  I think I can do it.  I'm only three pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

Okay, time for tea.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Working on getting my post count up for January...

And another thing...I do not think I like this "pelvic rest" for a month.  It hasn't even been two weeks and I am wishing we could have sex. 

And why are my boobs sore? 
Seeing a loss on the scale is more important than eating something now, when I am not hungry.  Repeat ad nauseum. 

I don't want to stop writing in here just because.  I feel like I'm letting myself down.  This week has been rough and I'm not happy.  Some good things have happened but they are pretty trivial so it's hard to feel really great about them. 

And I have lost 2.5 pounds so far, putting me back to where I was last Saturday. 

I just want things to get better.  I want to MAKE things get better.  How do I do that?  I'm just so unmotivated.  Where is my passion?  Where is my desire?  I want things, but I don't strive for them.  So they don't happen.  What happened to me?  I used to make things happen.

And I will again.  I'm tired of myself.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I really wish SKD wouldn't lock up the tools.  I want to put my new calendar up and I can't get to the hammer.  I guess when he gets home I will ask him to get it for me.

My friend came over and flipped the mattress for me, so I put on a new mattress pad and changed the sheets.  It's nice to have that done.  So the bedroom is looking more reasonable.  I still don't think it looks like a grown up's bedroom, but it's getting there.

I am excited about the upcoming trip to Costco and Trader Joe's. 

My asparagus quiche is in the oven.  I have medicated myself on schedule.  I am on track with my water.  And I lost two pounds yesterday. 

Maybe tonight I will watch Sherlock Holmes.  I'm not sure, though.  I would like to knit but I don't know if I will.  I also want to read, and I also want to work on my Sketchbook Project, sort of.

I hope SKD doesn't want to take a nap tonight.  That just doesn't make me happy.

I don't have anything else to say.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I feel quite unwell at the moment.  I do not know why yogurt and raw sugar would have upset my stomach like this. 

I am touched by how nice people are.  The son of one of my mom's friends is coming over tomorrow to flip my mattress for me.  Yay!  I can haz clean sheets!

Max is sitting next to me in bed right now.  I'm very tired.  My mom went home to take a nap.  I don't know why I don't get a nap.  I have done way too much today, even though I haven't really done much of anything.

I have a lot of writing and knitting that I want to do but I'm not entirely motivated.

Tomorrow my dad is taking Max and me to school.  Of course, I'll be going home after I drop Max off, but it's nice that Daddy is driving us.

Max wants to watch Thomas so maybe I will get a nap.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

2011 should have started out better.

I wasn't expecting to spend the first night of the new year in the emergency room, but I did.  And on the morning of the 2nd, I was in surgery, having whatever was left of my baby removed from me.  I don't think there was anything there.  And I guess my first miscarriage was an ectopic pregnancy as well.

Some good things came out of this hospital stay.  I met my new doctor,  and she is great.  She verified that my ovaries have plenty of eggs and my remaining tube is in great shape, and I should have no trouble conceiving another baby.

I am sad, though.  And in some pain.  My mom's friend/my employer sent me flowers.  I have a ton of books from the library.  Max is sitting next to me in bed, eating strawberries.  I am drinking water.

I am ten pounds heavier than I was when I found out I was pregnant.  I want to lose 47 pounds before I get pregnant again.

I am unimpressed with Barnes and Noble's customer service. 

That is my year so far.  I had to change my goals after I lost the baby, but I'm trying to be okay with things.  My mom is cleaning up my house for me, while I putter around and do a few things here and there.

I am all bloated and a little bit sore, although not too sore.  I don't know that I have much else to say at the moment.